HOW TO GET A CHURCH

There will be days of sunny weather when you will be forced to sit in your office and listen to Mrs. Weighty tell you why Hortense should be pianist, when Hortense is too slow to catch cold and can’t play anything beyond second grade music.

Or you must listen to Mr. Shiftless whine because he can’t hold a job, when you know and do not dare tell him that he is the laziest man in three counties.

You will find that ignorance and stupidity are other names for the devil.

There will be times, Oswald, after business meetings especially, when after weeks of careful planning and prayer your cherished plans for the good of the most are defeated by an ignorant and indifferent minority who gather bent on mischief, that you will feel like butting out your brains against the barn. It will take Christian  grace, Oswald,  to remain  sweet. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Awake, brotherly cooperation, Christian grace, church split, dog howls, Emma Alice, fellowship, Go-Getter, ignorance, largest church, Mr. Bust M, Mr. Dom N. Eeer, Mr. Money-Bags, Ozzy, pay, raise money, Saved to Serve, Self-Rising, stupidity, successful preacher, sunny weather, Wonderful

Posted under CHAPTER TWELVE

For the sake of clearness and brevity, I will tell what I know about preachers’ wives in two sections, Oswald. In one will be advice for Mrs. Oswald; in the other, advice for the congregation. I suggest that Emma Alice read the latter part for she has always been addicted to Rule Number Eighteen.

It would be well, Oswald, to announce on your first Sunday in a new place, that your wife is your wife; that she is not employed by the church and that you will not have her overworked; that she must not be asked to do anything, and that people must not expect her to make calls, teach, sing, or take part in the women’s work, since she is not very strong. She may really be as hearty as an ox, but saying the latter will help you to put your point over. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: care of the children, encouraging, husband's sermons, inspiring, leading, Mrs. Oswald, sin, the devil, wife

Posted under CHAPTER TEN

If you want to be a modern, successful, up-to-date preacher, Oswald, it is absolutely necessary that you advertise! And why not? Banks advertise and the picture industries spend millions advertising. Look what advertising has done for halitosis and B. O. And but for advertising, would you have known that Heinz has fifty-seven varieties? The correct answer is no. You would never think of over thirty-two or forty-nine.    It pays to advertise!
The papers first present themselves to our thought. Bluff, bribe, or pester the editor of your paper into printing long articles, all written by yourself, about your own comings and goings. If you are appointed on a P. T. A. committee; if you attend an Anti-Cuss association; if you go to the city to try on a new pair of suspenders; if you have a paragraph printed in your religious paper, demand a front page write-up; or still better, write the article yourself—you can really do greater justice to the subject—and insist that it be published. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Banks advertise, Christian people, evangelistic campaigns, home of the preacher, modern, pays to advertise, picture industries, successful, up-to-date preacher

Posted under CHAPTER NINE