HOW TO GET A CHURCH

There will be days of sunny weather when you will be forced to sit in your office and listen to Mrs. Weighty tell you why Hortense should be pianist, when Hortense is too slow to catch cold and can’t play anything beyond second grade music.

Or you must listen to Mr. Shiftless whine because he can’t hold a job, when you know and do not dare tell him that he is the laziest man in three counties.

You will find that ignorance and stupidity are other names for the devil.

There will be times, Oswald, after business meetings especially, when after weeks of careful planning and prayer your cherished plans for the good of the most are defeated by an ignorant and indifferent minority who gather bent on mischief, that you will feel like butting out your brains against the barn. It will take Christian  grace, Oswald,  to remain  sweet. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Awake, brotherly cooperation, Christian grace, church split, dog howls, Emma Alice, fellowship, Go-Getter, ignorance, largest church, Mr. Bust M, Mr. Dom N. Eeer, Mr. Money-Bags, Ozzy, pay, raise money, Saved to Serve, Self-Rising, stupidity, successful preacher, sunny weather, Wonderful

Posted under CHAPTER TWELVE

For the sake of clearness and brevity, I will tell what I know about preachers’ wives in two sections, Oswald. In one will be advice for Mrs. Oswald; in the other, advice for the congregation. I suggest that Emma Alice read the latter part for she has always been addicted to Rule Number Eighteen.

It would be well, Oswald, to announce on your first Sunday in a new place, that your wife is your wife; that she is not employed by the church and that you will not have her overworked; that she must not be asked to do anything, and that people must not expect her to make calls, teach, sing, or take part in the women’s work, since she is not very strong. She may really be as hearty as an ox, but saying the latter will help you to put your point over. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: care of the children, encouraging, husband's sermons, inspiring, leading, Mrs. Oswald, sin, the devil, wife

Posted under CHAPTER TEN

If you want to be a modern, successful, up-to-date preacher, Oswald, it is absolutely necessary that you advertise! And why not? Banks advertise and the picture industries spend millions advertising. Look what advertising has done for halitosis and B. O. And but for advertising, would you have known that Heinz has fifty-seven varieties? The correct answer is no. You would never think of over thirty-two or forty-nine.    It pays to advertise!
The papers first present themselves to our thought. Bluff, bribe, or pester the editor of your paper into printing long articles, all written by yourself, about your own comings and goings. If you are appointed on a P. T. A. committee; if you attend an Anti-Cuss association; if you go to the city to try on a new pair of suspenders; if you have a paragraph printed in your religious paper, demand a front page write-up; or still better, write the article yourself—you can really do greater justice to the subject—and insist that it be published. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Banks advertise, Christian people, evangelistic campaigns, home of the preacher, modern, pays to advertise, picture industries, successful, up-to-date preacher

Posted under CHAPTER NINE

You have builded temples in His name
Of mortar and brick and stone, With windows of glass most beautifully stained,
With tower and spire and dome; But what do we of the by-ways care
For structure and line and trim? Out in the dust of the lonely road
We only ask for Him!
You have blazed His name across the night
In letters of flickering fire; In rainbow hues you have said “Come in”;
You have shouted your desire; Oh, what do we care for the many lights
When our heart’s high hope is dim? Show us the light of Bethlehem’s Star
That we may go to Him! Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: crooked maze, dome, Little Willie's Prayer, spire, tower

Posted under CHAPTER EIGHT

It is a very strange thing, Oswald, but people who can scarcely read or write their own names will be eager to tell you how to preach. They can tell you what, how, and when to preach, and hand out advice by the chunks. The less they know the more they can tell you. The least successful man in your congregation will tell you loudest and oftenest how to succeed in your work.

You will find that numbers of high school and first-year college boys and girls will drop around to tell you how to run your church and what to preach. They will be very sure and earnest and strong in their convictions. From them you can find out what is wrong with you, your church and the world. Because they know so much, they will be your severest critics. If you want a lively time, Oswald, scrap with them; argue with them; call them flaming youth and preach on “The Wickedness of the Young People in Our Town.”

It is the average preacher’s task, Oswald, to preach perhaps over one hundred sermons each year; men who are called on for addresses before colleges, clubs, conventions, etc., will perhaps find this number doubled. Then there are weekly prayer meeting talks, funeral addresses, and study courses, besides series of sermons for revivals. When you are preached out and the barrel is empty, what then, Oswald? Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: April Fool's day, Be-kind-to-animals week, Christmas, church, clubs, college boys, colleges, Community-Chest-Drive wee, conventions, Drink-Sauer-Kraut-Juice week, Eat-an-apple week, Fire-prevention week, First day of school, Fourth of July, Good English week, Ground Hog day, Halloween, how to preach, Labor Day, Lincoln's birthday, men's sermons, New Year's day, one hundred sermons, Safety week, St. Patrick's day, St. Valentine's day, Thanksgiving, The Ides of March, Washington's birthday, weekly prayer meeting

Posted under CHAPTER EIGHT

You will be told, Oswald, in schools and divers books, what NOT to do with your hands; but never will you hear or read anything about what to DO with them. Doubtless with your deep intellect and ingenuity you can devise various ways to dispose of them while preaching.

There are preachers who wave them in the air and who pound the pulpit-stand before them, rythmically driving every point home. Pockets are a convenient parking place. A watch chain is a godsend since it can keep one hand occupied and will solve exactly one-half of your problem. The solution of the other half may rest with your glasses; they can be taken off and put on many times during a sermon. Yes, on the whole, Oswald, I believe the watch chain and the glasses to be happy answers to the problem of what to do with your hands. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: habit, ingenuity, intellect, preachers

Posted under CHAPTER SEVEN

The hardest task the preacher has to face is the preaching of  funerals,  especially those of suicides   or   non-Christians.  Many kind and lovely things may be said of the Christians at death. There is all the comfort of God to be offered to the sorrowing relatives of these. But how very difficult to find any message at all, upon other occasions! And it is very strange but often true, that the meaner the man, the more horrible his death, the more is wanted a big church funeral by his relatives. It may be that they feel that an ostentatious funeral in some measure makes up for, or disguises, the facts in the case.

A man may curse the church, and the preacher, and God, and yet when he dies his family will send for the minister and arrange for a church funeral. The man has never attended church, his family never go, they have never given a cent to the upkeep of the church, and now they never consider that it takes a ton of coal to heat the building; that men must obtain leave from their jobs to sing; and that the preacher stays awake all night wondering what to say. It does not seem to occur to them that they owe anything at all to the church or to the pastor for this service. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Christian burial, curse the church, difficult funerals, non-Christians, preaching of funerals

Posted under CHAPTER SIX

There are weddings and weddings. There are weddings at five o’clock in the morning and weddings at eleven o’clock at night. There are weddings in the pastor’s study, in the pastor’s home, in the bride’s home, in the church building, in a friend’s garden, in a boat and in an airplane. They are married in overalls, in print dresses, in satin and orange blossoms, in tuxedos, in white flannels, with coats or without coats; with ring and flowers, without ring and flowers, and sometimes with the proverbial shotgun. They come on foot, on horseback, in taxis, in ancient and complaining Fords, on motorcycles, and in the latest, slickest and most expensive cars.

The pastor’s home is expected to be open at all hours to any wedding party. It is rather disconcerting at times, say on a Saturday at noon, and the children dirty, with liver and onions cooking for lunch and the odor penetrating through the whole house, and the entire place in the throes of Saturday’s baking and cleaning, to have a couple arrive to get married without any previous announcement. How hastily does the harassed Mrs. Oswald shut the onion smell into the kitchen, shoo the children into the back yard, slip a clean dress over her head with one hand, and with the other do a sleight-of-hand with the mop and other obscene house-cleaning materials, all the while making a mental note that this job should be worth a five! Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: altar, bride, church wedding, groom, home weddings, preacher, the ceremony, the food at weddings, weddings

Posted under CHAPTER SIX