Baptisms
A baptismal service may be very beautiful, but also may be very grotesque. As in the matter of weddings, be prepared, Oswald, for anything.
There are large and weak-hearted ladies who may faint at the crucial moment. Go on and dunk ‘em; water will bring them back. There are those excitable souls who are prone to lose their heads and whoop, “Gosh, that water’s cold,” or some similar little comment.
We have heard of the colored minister who lost a large woman from his grasp, allowing her to sink out of sight in the river. He groped for her in the water and failed to find her. Undaunted he announced, “De Lawd giveth an’ de Lawd taketh away. Hand me another nig-gah!”
There are timid souls like the poor tonguetied boy who was “not exactly” and who saw a snake in the water as he went forward in the river to meet the preacher.
“Thee that nake?”
“Come on, it won’t hurt you.” (Stage whisper.)
“I thaid, thee that “nake?”
“Come on, I tell you, it won’t hurt you.” (More stage whispers.)
“Ain’t nobody can keep me in a river with a damn’ “nake!” And back to the shore he went.
Expect anything, especially at the river baptisms.
There is one little point to think about when you baptize in a baptistry. That is: what to do if and when your baptismal suit springs a leak.
Several avenues of action are open to you. You can announce candidly that your suit has sprung a leak, that you are all wet, and that it is time to go home. If you baptize at the close of your sermon this would not be bad; but if, as many ministers do, you have the baptismal service first it will be slightly embarrassing to send the crowd away. Very nonchalantly you might announce that you have decided to preach from the baptistry and that you believe in doing things your own way and not always following a set plan. Call for your notes and to bear out your alibi, have them sing a song with the last verse first and the first verse last. Not only will you conceal the fact that you are all wet but you will get credit for great originality. The only alternative left is to come forth boldly and preach wet, which would no doubt be a novelty both to you and the congregation, who by this time will have learned to expect only dry sermons from you; and so they will be agreeably surprised for the once.
Some preachers keep the baptistry filled with water and ready for baptisms. I do not approve this method in your case, Ozzy, for I am afraid the baptistry would become a breeding place for mosquitos and so endanger the health of your congregation.
Posted in CHAPTER SIX
You may try to persuade yourself that this is an ordinary book — in order that you may find comfort in the persuasion - but you cannot do so and be fair to facts.