HOW TO GET A CHURCH
A preacher without a church is like ham without eggs or Noah without the ark, or a sandwich without the filling, or a vest without a pair of pants. So the first step in becoming pastor of a church, Oswald, is to get the church.
Before coming to the decision that you must have a church, certain things will be true. You will have felt a call to preach from:
(1) God,
(2) Your family, (in your case, Emma Alice),
(3) Yourself.
Some, Oswald, are in the ministry by accident; some have it thrust upon them by fond mothers; and with others like the makings for hash, it just accumulates. From our own observation, Oswald, we advise that you do not preach unless God has called you to do so. Self-made men may make a success of it, but self-made preachers never do. The self-made preacher has the wrong perspective, the wrong motive, the wrong ambition, and the wrong sense of values. By his horn ye shall know him. His favorite verse is “Toot your own horn, or verily it shall not be tooted.”
It may be that you have called yourself into the ministry through certain desires of your own heart, reasoning thus: “The minister goes in the best of company. He is looked up to and admired. He is often in the presence of agreeable and attractive ladies. He is not compelled to do manual labor and to wear the toil-stained clothing of the working man. His life is easy and pleasant.” If your reasoning runs in this fashion and your “call” consists of the urge of your own desires, remember that you go in your own strength to face:
1. The preparation of some two hundred sermons and addresses for each year,
2. Numerous funerals of all descriptions,
3. Domestic cases in which you sit as judge and mediator,
4. Poverty,
5. Persecution,
6. Opposition,
7. Popularity on one hand and criticism on the other,
8. Sacrifice,
9. Self-Denial,
10. Dying men who need strength and comfort and often Jesus Christ,
11. Sin-sick souls who come to confess and to find escape and peace.
If you think you can do all these things in your own strength, Oswald, then call yourself into the ministry! But there are people, Oswald, who think that we have too much man-strength now in our pulpits and not enough God-strength and that men who call themselves are not really needed. But you must examine your own heart and be your own judge.
I remember that Emma Alice has always wanted a preacher son. That is to be commended, provided you receive your call to preach from God and not from Emma Alice. Do not preach just to please your mother, Ozzy, for it will mean only one more inefficient and inadequate preacher thrust upon a long-suffering world. Also a good mechanic will be spoiled in the process.
In preparation for your work as a minister you will have had:
(1) A very limited or no education;
(2) A fair education;
(3) An extensive and intensive education. (Place an X after the one which best fits your
case.)
There are many people and a few preachers who still believe that a preacher needs no education; that he needs only a Bible and that when he opens his mouth to speak that God will fill it. Preachers of this type usually suffer from spiritual mal-nutrition while their congregations have been known to die of boredom and fatigue. If you have (1) (see above classification) you can serve people of this belief acceptably.
If you have (2) you will find people everywhere to serve; the world is long and very wide and is mainly made up of people of this class.
If you have (3) you have only to disclose the fact and churches will implore you to become their pastor.
But, Oswald, very serious difficulties arise when a number (1) preacher takes over a number (3) audience. It is rather like putting a number three shoe on a number seven foot; in other words, a painful misfit. No, Oswald, if you are a “Have did” or an “I seen” preacher do not aspire to an audience made up of intellectuals who read Greek for a pastime. Some preachers do.
It is an advantage if you can write a great number of letters after your name. It is best to be called “Dr.” as it gives you prestige. In the past it has been possible to obtain this privilege for a modest sum from some junior college. If it is not possible for you to do this, Oswald, take a six-weeks course in Chiropractic. A twofold value will result. You may write “Dr.” before your name and you can park one of those leather instruments of torture in your parlor and earn an extra dollar or two, thereby supplementing your income from preaching; and believe me, Ozzy, you will need those extra dollars.
Whether you are entitled to it or not, insist on being called doctor. Fight for it if you have to; do not give in; even your intermediates must not be allowed anything less respectful. Keep it constantly before the people. This is important. Never sign your name without your title and degrees. As soon as you have your degree, write letters announcing the fact to all your friends. All of this will cause people to look up to you and to realize the important place you now hold in the world. It is important that you attend college at least one year so that you may refer in your sermons to “When I was in College.”
You may need a good seminary to “salt” you down. So attend one if you can, Oswald. However, you may get more fun from fighting them than in attending them. Being a self-made man you can prove the worth of your own attainments by denouncing all colleges and accusing them of “modernism” and heresy. It will be marvelous how many things you can find wrong with your denominational schools, and of course all state institutions are cesspools of iniquity operating chiefly to ensnare and ruin the youth of today! Openly you can make reference to “Our Great Seminaries and Colleges” but to individuals you can speak your mind. In this way you can prevent gifts of money from going to these schools and also keep a great number of young people from attending them. Also you will be able to enjoy that sense of importance that comes from being able to challenge and berate important institutions.
Besides a regular “book education” you will need to know: 1. How to put up stoves and fit gas pipes; 2. How to pack china; 3. How to make a little money cover a multitude of bills; 4. How to make book-cases from a few odd boards; 5. How to refinish the top of a highly polished table after it has been moved, when aforesaid table top resembles nothing so much as a roller skating rink which has been constantly in use for many years without repairs of any kind; 6. How to make a sermon while the greatest bore relates his newest tale of woe; 7. How to operate a duplicator, a mimeograph, a saxophone and an outsize furnace; 8. How to make up to children and dogs; 9. How to wire a Christmas tree and set off tableau lights; 10. How to get rid of book agents (hint—perhaps the best way is to buy the book. This has been our experience.); 11. How to smile at a man when your natural impulse is to kick the seat of his pants; 12. How to eat anything and everything without asking the name, source, or previous condition of servitude; 13. How to remember every face you’ve seen once and every name called in your presence; 14. How to play football and tiddly-winks because of your young people; 15. How to sit on a keg of dynamite to keep someone from lighting the fuse. There may be others, Oswald, but these are a few rather important trifles that every minister should know.
Now that we have disposed of the matter of education the thing to consider is the means of getting before the churches. Have a little book printed. Some preachers do. You will want a picture made for it—one of you in a really striking pose; for instance, stand with one fist clenched and outstretched and hold your Bible uplifted in the other; stand on one toe with the other foot raised outward and backward as in running; wear a determined I-can-lick-the-devil expression. This pose is very effective. Wear a flower on your lapel or not, as desired. Another pose I would suggest is the melancholy, dreamy, intellectual one. Comb your hair back disclosing a high, noble forehead; lean on your ^lbow, placing your hand at the side of your face in a graceful and artistic arrangement. Remember, Oswald, this photograph calls for Soul!
Place your picture first in the little book. On t\\e page opposite the photograph have something like this, refined and elegant, but effective:
“Dr. Oswald B. Boloni, A.B., J.P., B.S. (Boy Scout), G.M. (Good Mixer), O.F. (Odd Fellow). Pastor, Evangelist, Trombonist, Philosopher, Author, Humorist, Crayon Artist, Poet, Musician, Exegete, Mathematician, Bicyclist, Seer, and Dyspeptic.”
On the next page, something like this will bring results:
“Hear the Boy Preacher! This is your chance to secure this widely traveled, highly educated gentleman to be your pastor.
He will draw big crowds; the house will be filled to overflowing after the first service!”
Send this booklet everywhere; to churches that are pastorless and to all your friends.
Another way to get before the churches, Oswald, is to use your friends and acquaintances. Of course your few, real, close friends will be glad to recommend you, but do not stop with these. Write to friends of friends and lay your case before them. Write something like this: “If you know of any up-and-coming church irj good condition, paying about $3,000 per yeaij, please recommend me for the place. If I do not get a bigger church soon the ministry will lose a good man.” Ask acquaintances to go with you to visit churches that are pastorless. It doesn’t matter if they know but very little about you and your real qualifications—perhaps in that case they can recommend your services more heartily. Do not be afraid of embarrassing people; they have become accustomed to it through the years.
There are other ways that may suggest themselves to a fertile imagination; for instance, when supplying for some brother pastor who is away on a vacation, or visiting his wife’s mother, draw the chairman of the board aside and whisper something like this: “Are you satisfied with your present pastor? Do you think of making a change? If so, I would like to have the place and will be glad to take it for less money.”
The pastor, informed of this upon his return, will feel very kindly towards you, you may be sure, and no doubt the deacon will keep it in mind.
Offering to take a church for less money sometimes brings results; especially is the underbidding of men under the consideration of the pulpit committee very effective. Or make up to disgruntled church members and establish yourself in their good graces since they might call you after getting rid of their present pastor. Going on to a field and staying is one method I have heard of, Oswald, but do not try it unless you have plenty of intestinal fortitude.
If you hear of a brother minister being ill, you might write to the church clerk something like this: “I hear your pastor is very ill. If he dies, I’d like to supply your pulpit for you with the view of accepting the pastorate.” Enclose your picture and booklet. The man might die.
Or you might visit a number of your brother ministers and by means of adroit questioning ascertain whether they are considering a move or not. You can ask about the condition of the work, and whether they are satisfied or not, and what their plans are for the next year. Of course they will never see through to your real motive and will only credit you with a kindly interest in their work.
Last of all, Oswald, if all these methods fail, you might try honest merit and prayer. In all this topsy-turvy world some still believe—and practice—and get results!
Posted in CHAPTER ONE
You may try to persuade yourself that this is an ordinary book — in order that you may find comfort in the persuasion - but you cannot do so and be fair to facts.