HOW TO KEEP A CHURCH
Getting a church is one thing, Oswald, but keeping it is another. When your first burst of oratory is over and you settle down to a steady pace, will you wear well?
What is your plan for the church? Is it a one-year plan, a ten-year plan, or a twenty-year plan? Or, planless, do you mean to drift with every gust of wind, going backward or in circles?
From the very beginning you will want to impress upon the folk that you have been places and have seen things. If you have been to Bermuda, casually refer to that trip in your sermons, taking many of your illustrations from your amazing experiences in that place. By skillfully interjecting Bermuda into your conversations and sermons, the impression will gradually get about that you are a man of the world.
Tell the people on the first Sunday that you are there, that when you have been with them six months you think that you can preach down to their level. The congregation will be sure to appreciate this.
"Elbow the chairman aside and take charge."
Be superior. It will be well to let your people know that you know a thing or two. You must establish and maintain this attitude. This can be done by following these rules. Never see any side of a question but your own, or consider any opinions except your own. Resent suggestions from any source; for if you accept and act upon them it will practically be admitting the superior intelligence of others.
Above all, be boss. Meet with every com-mitte; those on decoration; on painting the kitchen; on making Dorcas class yearbooks; on young people’s picnics; on what to serve at the Mother-and-Daughter Banquet; and at each meeting lay down the law; elbow the chairman aside and take charge; do not allow them to adjourn until you have had your way! This is important. If you are building a meeting house, by all means plan every detail and see that it is executed exactly as planned. Of course if your ideas do not turn out to be practical or beautiful you can always pass the blame along to the contractor or to the chairman of the building committee. When the matter of the kitchen is to be decided, it would be better for you to take care of that since the women never know their own minds. Plan the shelves, the arrangement of the tables, stoves, etc., and the size of everything, and do not allow the women to have any say about it; they talk too much anyway. Tell them so. But the main thing and important idea, Oswald, is to be boss. Be Boss!
It will be well, also, to let the members of your congregation know that you have been accustomed to better. A very fine way to do this is to introduce into sermons and conversations a rather wistful note as: “In Georgia we did not find it so.” “The people are so different in Georgia.” “When I was pastor in Georgia, we had a beautiful home.” “The church in Georgia had an immense organ and a splendid organist.” “They really sing in Georgia.” “Our church in Georgia had the best business system I ever saw.” “We had a lovely auditorium—so much bigger than this—in Georgia.” “Our young people were so spiritual in Georgia.” “They were very considerate of my wife in Georgia—she works too hard here.” “The climate in Georgia is so much better.” “You ought to see the peaches they grow in Georgia.” “They have better roads in Georgia.” And, Oswald, those who hear will never mind not reaching Heaven if they can only get to Georgia!
"Perhaps the threat would be safer."
Express dissatisfaction often. Constantly keep before the people the fact that you deserve something bigger and better. Tell them of offers you are receiving every week calling you to places where there are bigger and better churches that pay far greater salaries. All of this will make your people eager to keep you.
When things do not go to suit you, you might try the following: resign or threaten to resign. Perhaps the threat would be safer. In spite of the fact that you would not mean them to interpret it literally, there is just a bare possibility that sometime they might take you at your word; and then, Oswald, where would you be? You would be that vest again hunting that pair of pants. So we advise you only to threaten.
Some preachers scold. Whether this will aid you or not in keeping a church once you have it is a moot question. You might try it. You can scold the members of your congregation who are absent which will make the persons present feel guilty and uncomfortable even in the face of a clear conscience. You can scold the old people to the young people and the young people to the old people. You will have some telling results I am sure.
If you want to keep your church a great many years, Oswald, mentally climb into a rocking chair and stay there. Some preachers do. Do not think deeply. Do not buy books. Do not read or study. Just let the Lord give you your sermons and it will be surprising how He will give you the same one over and over; until some unkind soul or critical being may actually suggest that you have only one sermon. Do not let it worry you. Of course reading books written by other men is an admission that others have something for you to learn. Read nothing and you can claim to be original.
You must make a fine appearance before your people, Oswald. Remember the old saying that clothes do not make a man but that they make 99 per cent of the woman; so your wife must have good clothes, too. You must live according to the very best and highest standards ; your car must be new and of an expensive make—in short you must have the very best of everything. If your salary does not permit this, charge these items. The church will not mind paying $500 or $600 after you are gone. Let your motto be “The best at any price.” The preacher who follows you on the field will enjoy paying your debts.
Another way to keep your church is to clean up the membership roll. Begin with all of those who play cards and dance. Turn them out ruthlessly. You cannot afford to compromise with the devil. Some people will suggest gentler and more loving methods, but instruct them to mind their own business; that you know what is best. There will be old scandals that you can unearth if you work diligently. These will be the basis for turning another group out of the church. You will then have a purged membership to work with and should have no difficulty in accomplishing Great Things.
There are several other little ways to endear yourself to your flock. For instance, when a baby cries, shout, “Take that baby out!” If a girl has the nosebleed and is forced to leave hurriedly, stop preaching, stand perfectly still and glare at her until the awful silence condemns her as if she were willfully and criminally breaking up your service.
If things do not go to suit you, you can always get sore and quit. But remember when you move you must take yourself along.
If, Oswald, you are a kangaroo preacher — always on the jump—here with summer, gone with winter, you may prefer staying only a year or two in a place. Some preachers do. In that case anything you do will not have much effect as you will soon be gone and forgotten.
Posted in CHAPTER TWO
You may try to persuade yourself that this is an ordinary book — in order that you may find comfort in the persuasion - but you cannot do so and be fair to facts.