THE LAST WORD
There will be days of sunny weather when you will be forced to sit in your office and listen to Mrs. Weighty tell you why Hortense should be pianist, when Hortense is too slow to catch cold and can’t play anything beyond second grade music.
Or you must listen to Mr. Shiftless whine because he can’t hold a job, when you know and do not dare tell him that he is the laziest man in three counties.
You will find that ignorance and stupidity are other names for the devil.
There will be times, Oswald, after business meetings especially, when after weeks of careful planning and prayer your cherished plans for the good of the most are defeated by an ignorant and indifferent minority who gather bent on mischief, that you will feel like butting out your brains against the barn. It will take Christian grace, Oswald, to remain sweet.
When taking collections for special objects or projects ask your congregation to give fives and tens. You put in a dime.
Have a hobby, Oswald, keep bees, or make a garden, or raise fishing worms in a tub in the basement; anything to save your reason, first all current bills due, and let you do the waiting. They consider it a disgrace for the church to owe bills out in town, but it is never a disgrace to owe the preacher, or for him to go in debt because he is not paid. You may have to wait and wait.
It may be your lot to become the pastor of the largest church in a city where are located several churches of your denomination. In that case you will suffer much at the hands of your fellow ministers. They will “pick” at your every word and deed, at your mode of living, your manner of dress, and your children’s behavior. Where you would expect to find brotherly cooperation and fellowship you will often find jealousy and envy.
You may rail at your membership constantly because one or two play an occasional game of bridge; but it is quite different if you by the hour engage in golf, or croquet, or horseshoe games and tournaments, thereby neglecting prayer, study, and personal contact on the field with members who need your service. I cannot see the difference, Oswald, frankly. You may be able to.
In the course of events, Oswald, there may arise circumstances and conditions that will constitute an emergency which will call for a reduction of the preacher’s salary. Now this is the peculiar thing that you will notice: That so far as the church and the preacher’s salary are concerned, the emergency continues and continues! and continues! — long after it has disappeared in all other channels.
Also, Oswald, the church will probably pay There is no preacher so miserable as the man who is too big for a little place and too little for a big place.
Preachers are the poorest listeners of any class of people in the world. This is probably due to the fact that all of their training and experience has to do with talking, not listening.
When you are utterly failing at your task and your crowds are dwindling, Oswald, call in an expert. (An expert is any man away from home.) He will be expensive, but it will be well worth it to sustain your reputation and that of the church. Remember he also must see to his own standing. So do not grumble at his method of getting numbers—or money!
Your people will rise and sing lustily, “Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching as to War,” or “Awake” and then will settle placidly down to gentle slumber during the rest of the service. So much of our Christianity is like that, Oswald.
What grand and glorious victories we would have in our churches if it were not for circumstances and conditions. These two are responsible for more failures than is Satan, and seem to hold more terrors for preachers and people alike, than Hell itself. At least we hear more about them.
Just before you go into your pulpit, oh, so often, someone with a grievance or a grouch or a woe will descend upon you and unload. Away will go serenity; away will go peace; away will go sermon; and shattered in heart and nerves you will be expected to go into the service and preach as if nothing had happened. This makes you feel that the more you see of people the better you like goats—which feeling is very good for sermons.
You will probably be a very successful preacher, Ozzy, since Emma Alice provided you with the proper incentives early in life. 1 distinctly recall “Wonderful” and “Self-Rising” in large red and black letters across your rear during your tender years. Of course the word “Flour” was there too, but, Ozzy, it didn’t count. If you ARE successful do not let it go to your head.
They listen to their husbands in the pulpit and out
Once upon a time, preachers were expected to preach. Today a preacher must be a Big Business Man and a “Go-Getter.”
There are churches that expect to keep a preacher only a year or two. They have devised a neat and unique little way to get rid of the minister. They simply starve him out. God help you if you fall among thieves, Oswald.
There are people who disapprove of smoking. If you smoke, keep right on. Doubtless you can hide the fact from your congregation.
Some neighborhoods, Oswald, are very trying. It may be your misfortune to be domiciled next to one of these tongue-and-eye women. If so, you are lost. You can pull down all your shades, lock your outer doors, and at midnight turn out all your lights, retreat to the back bedroom, shut the door, hide under the bed, and sneeze and the next morning she will ask you how your cold is.
Don't say I didn't warn you."
“Saved to Serve” means with some people saved to serve dinners and to work in the Ladies’ Aid. They will expect you to line up with this unscriptural method of raising money, Oswald, and will probably ask you to sell fancy work or food in stands at picnics or fairs and to sell chances on quilts, all of which is done in the name of the church, in order to raise money to pay the bills of the church. Your wife will have to make chili and pies and wash dishes to earn money to pay your salary. To protest is to bring trouble upon yourself. You may try it though.
It is better, Oswald, to suffer your right arm to be cut off than for you to be the cause of a church split. A church split is a tragedy pure and simple. If you can’t hold your congregation together do get out and let some other man have a try. Really there are some men who can do it, believe it or not!
Never think that you have all the truth. Do not be guilty of possessing the Elijah-obsession that no man is left to preach the truth but yourself. And all men who disagree with you are not wrong, Ozzie.
If you ever, in the course of events, divorce your wife your preaching will be affected to this extent: you can never mention divorce in the pulpit. If you have one wife in Texas and you are living with another in Ohio sooner or later the story will follow you. These things have an uncanny way of getting about. You might choose some single issue, Divine Healing, or the Second Coming, and preach so loudly and with such fervor on the subject that no one of your followers will ever think of divorce.
The only crop that the government hasn’t plowed under is the wild oats crop. Many people would rather see that one buried than any other. As a minister, Ozzie, you will assist at the harvesting of many such crops in that people will want you to help hold the bag and pray for drouth and a poor yield.
There are individuals who will not allow you to be pastor of a church except in name only.
Mr. Dom N. Eeer, Mr. Money-Bags, and Mr. Bust M. Up will constitute a committee to see that you do not have too much authority. They will plan for you and be your spokesmen. They run the church and the pastor—otherwise the pastor must GO!
Preachers love audiences. They grow so accustomed to them and to speech making that they often seem to carry about an invisible audience to admire and to applaud. Preachers’ wives listen to more speeches than any class of people in the world. They listen to their husbands in the pulpit and out; hear sermons and addresses rehearsed over the dishes, the mending, the ironing, and during the meals. Preachers become so accustomed to presiding and preaching that they unconsciously carry pulpit habits into situations where they do not best suit. For instance, I have seen a preacher monopolize a whole dinner party for hours, relating his own experiences and opinions. Since you are Emma Alice’s son, you will probably be this type. The only advantage that the radio has over Emma Alice is that you can shut a radio off. You may have acquired some of her habits of speech. When some long suffering dinner partner bashes you over the head and quietly takes his departure, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Stand up and yell for what you want in life, Oswald. Some preachers do! This little rhyme will help you to remember:
Yell loud and long
And do not cease;
The squeaking wheel
Will get the grease.
If there are grocers who are members of your church, drop into their stores and help yourself. They will not mind at all if you dip into their cookies, their meat, and their cheese and crackers. Calmly appropriate a pjnt of milk each morning and drink it. Never offer to pay for any of this.
Have your wife ordained, Oswald. Then she can ride on clergy fare and in your absence, she can perform the wedding ceremonies, and collect the fees that you might otherwise miss.
There are two priceless possessions that a preacher may have, Oswald. The first is tact. The second is a sense of humor. These two will serve you when reason and logic fail.
I believe I have left out one important thing, Ozzy—table manners. In order to put your hosts at ease, when offered a napkin you can refuse it with a grand gesture—”We won’t need those—let’s do away with style.” Or accept it and tuck it under your chin. Eat noisily and greedily, holding your fork as if it were a shovel. Peas and similar foods can be eaten with a knife—Some preachers do!
There are two overworked expressions in the preacher’s vocabulary. The word “great” is one, Oswald, and the phrase “since I came here” is the other. Read the reports from the churches in your denominational paper and see how often these are used! Learn some new adjectives, Oswald, and forget “since I came here.”
When introduced to people, Oswald, look them up and down and if they do not look important do not bother to be cordial. Give them your finger tips and look over their heads. You may find out afterward that they are more important than they look, and that you have slighted the very people you most wanted to please.
The same rule used by the woman in rearing her seven children will apply equally well to the minister and his flock—”Do your best, and trust to Heaven.”
Those who climb to the very top, Oswald, often find rough going and that the wind is in their faces. To go high will mean sacrifice and hard work, and faithfulness to an ideal, and loneliness. In the ministry as in other walks of life, there are many who are common and few who are uncommon. An uncommon man is rarely understood or forgiven by the common mass.
He who climbs to mountain peak
Must stand amid the thunder,
Beside the lightning’s forked tongue
And boulders split asunder.
He who climbs to mountain peak
A fine strength spends;
His shivering spirit stands alone,
In high cold winds.
But he who climbs to mountain peak
May see afar;
May reach a trembling, eager hand
To touch a star.
You may not like many things I have said to you, Oswald, in this little book. But remember, Ozzy, my boy, that the hit dog howls. The hit dog howls!
Posted in CHAPTER TWELVE
You may try to persuade yourself that this is an ordinary book — in order that you may find comfort in the persuasion - but you cannot do so and be fair to facts.